My sister is moving house today. I wanted to help but as I have no car at the moment, and she has lots of male friends with, I’d effectively be dead weight. Instead I did something completely out of character and offered to babysit her two month old baby Ethan. My intentions were that I could do all the necessary stuff and leave him quietly playing or sleeping while I catch up on some work.

Ethan was delivered this morning along with:

• 1 pram
• 1 carry seat
• 1 baby bouncer
• 6 clean nappies
• 3 changes of clothes
• 3 bottles of pre-prepared formula
• 1 small tub of formula with measuring spoon just in case
• 2 sterilised dummies
• 1 plastic changing mat
• 1 pack of babywipes
• 1 small tub of Sudocrem
• 1 pack of unscented pocket tissues
• 1 blanket
• 1 coat, one woolly hat
• 1 bottle of Colic medicine with applicator.

He’s coming here for a few hours! I’d hate to see his overnight bag! No wonder my sister needs to move!

I carefully positioned Ethan’s bouncer on my bed, central so the vibrating/bouncing electronic functions had no chance of slowly dropping him off the edge. We moved Ethan from car seat to bouncer and there he sat, quiet, staring, watching. We caught each other’s gaze, he stared, I stared. As if from a distance I heard some instructions about nappy changing, feeding schedules, medicine and bottle warming, but all I could do was watch his eyes narrow and face screw up as she left.

I think we managed about 2 minutes of silence before it started. The ground swelled, the walls curved inwards and the noise… oh the noise! I rocked him, I cuddled him, I swaddled him, I turned on rock music, classical music, Jazz, Easy listening (I have eclectic tastes) and nothing was working. A very short amount of silence followed, during which time Ethan just stared, his face turned red, his tongue poking slightly through his thin lips… This could only mean one thing.

I pulled out the cold plastic changing mat and placed this monster on it. Carefully undid his buttons and removed the lower half of his clothes to reveal the guardians. Those cute blue bears on nappies designed to give false hope to those who venture within. I removed around 3 pounds of yellowy sludge holding down my own potential contribution in the process and cleaned away all evidence that he was ever hiding toxic waste about his person.

And then silence…

He stopped crying, I could hear birds and dear and antelope again, which I found weird living in the centre of Watford. He looked at me and almost smiled. And then he did what only males can do. Managed a nice clean stream of urine right over the edge of the changing mat and soaked my duvet. Despite my frustration, I was quite impressed.

But that is why my house smells, I don’t think I can ever remove the smell of baby poo from my nostrils, clothing, furnishings or anything else. After reading a story from the only book I had to hand (Advanced PHP Programming) he got bored and went to sleep. He’s due to be fed in 30 minutes… I’m enjoying the peace… Only another 5 hours to go before he is taken away by his mother, someone who has the strength and patience to do this every day, all day.

As I finish this off, he’s stirring, stretching, preparing for another onslaught… I have bottles on standby, two holsters and cowboy hat. I’m ready for you Ethan, This time I’m ready!

Mothers day is coming up in March, this year I won’t forget.